This season is hard. Really hard. It’s dark at 4:30. Nights feel a lot longer. This is a season of less than proud anniversaries for me. Less than proud anniversaries make for less then proud memories.
I used to think depression was my fault.
I used to think depression was a side effect of my perceived not enough-ness. I used to systematically root my life from every form of “evil” every time it rolled up. In high school, it meant putting nothing but Christian music that I sort of liked on my iPod, not swearing and keeping my bible in my backpack instead of my nightstand. If I could somehow obligate God to show up, I couldn’t be sad. I could just skip these broken spots of my life if God, will you just show up?
In college, it meant not having friends, because everyone had the potential to make God leave. I went into college with that pesky 85% of students lose their faith in college. Like God could lose his children. Ever. God doesn’t leave. Ever. You don’t run faster than he can keep up. Ever.
It meant being at church whenever I could be and blasting teachings every. single. second. It meant spending time with people for what I could get, asking them to heal me because I wanted to ignore that mind numbing feeling of there’s no way you’re here, God.
God and depression could not coexist. God and anxiety could not coexist. God and medication could not coexist. It was one extreme or the other.
Please remember in this season. Grace is always the middle ground. Grace is the exhale. When depression hits, when anxiety hits, make grace the answer. Grace is knowing that no sadness, depression, grief, anxiety is ever bigger than the room God has made for all of us.
When you are doubled over crying because you just had another panic attack and thats the second time this week, and you just can’t place why and you feel like you’ve just run a marathon.There is grace, and there is room.
When you can’t get out of bed. Again. When you can’t make yourself feel anything. There isn’t even sadness here. Just nothing. There is grace and there is room.
When you are overwhelmingly joyful, there is grace and there is room.
When you are angry and there are questions and they don’t ever go away, there is grace and there is room.
I used to think depression was my fault and now I know there is grace here for all of us and God is bigger then anything. I know now, that because depression is here doesn’t mean God isn’t and I can know him here too. I know him better than ever here. I can’t obligate God to be where he already is.
And even when it is my fault. Even when my selfish decisions put me there. There is grace and there is room. And there is hope and there is Jesus.
“For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” Romans 8:24-26